Eons ago, I wrote a blog post called, If He’s Doing Laundry While You’re Over, It’s Not a Date. This post was sparked by a conversation I had with a close friend about the lack of creativity and effort our generation puts toward dating. At that point, I had gone on a few boring dates but hadn’t really grasped the poor, poor state that dating was in.
This became regrettably evident when I started really using the internet and dating apps. I wrote some variation of the following on each profile:
“While going to a bar or out for dinner can be fun, let’s try something different. I propose that we visit a high end furniture store. We’ll tell the employee showing us around that we’re a newly engaged couple and will come up with our story as we go. I’ll insist that we get a red couch and you’ll argue for something more neutral. We’ll compromise on something blue as we regale the employee with tales of our first date. Little does she know that we’re actually on it!”
So, so many men commented on this, often expressing what a good idea it was and insisting that they would be down. Wanna know how many times I’ve gone to the furniture store on a date?
0.
Know how many guys took me to dinner on the first date?
All of them.
And no, I am not complaining about free food. I LOVE free food. However, I am complaining about the lack of creativity people have when it comes to dates. So, I’m here to help you out.
You’re welcome.
- Kite flying
Picture it, you and your boy sitting on a park bench. It’s September and the change in temperature brings a nice, gentle breeze with it. The string on the Yoda kite that you brought at the grocery stores becomes as tangled as a pair of earphones in your pocket and you mutter the word, “fuck,” repeatedly under your breath as you attempt to untangle it and keep your cool. He doesn’t need to know that you’re crazy yet. You become frustrated and your date chuckles, reaching over with an amused smile on his face he says, “Here, let me.” You melt. Minutes later, you’re both running backwards hoping that your cheap ass kites lift off the ground. He’s a bit competitive and is determined to get his My Little Pony kite up before yours. Focused, he’s not looking where he’s going and trips over a rock. He goes down in a heap of string, plastic, and embarrassment. You hold in your laugh as you reach to help him up and he pulls a fast one on you, yanking you to the ground. You both lie there giggling and watching the sky as you quickly rack your mind, trying to remember if you shaved that day.
*Sigh*
- Brewery Tour
His Tinder profiles says that he’s into craft beers. You want to impress him so you Google local breweries. You find one that offers a free tour and tastings and you send him the info. He loves your idea. Point for you. You arrive just in the time for the tour and join the group. They walk you through the history of their business and you briefly wonder what it would be like to quit your 9-5 and start brewing your own beer. You’re half listening to the tour guide and half thinking about the names of your future brews- will you name them after Disney Princesses or GOT characters? The feel of his hand slipping into yours drags you away from your thoughts and you can’t help but smile as you mentally curse because now you can’t remember that totally awesome name you just came up with. Shit! Well, at least his hand isn’t sweaty. The tour ends and it’s time for the tastings. Some guests that are leaving give you their remaining taste passes and the two of you high five because that means more booze. He suggests that you make a toast before each tasting and you toast everything from his company to the feeling of slipping on fresh underwear. You’re both a little buzzed by now so the conversation is flowing easily. Once your tasting passes are up, you move on to the bar. Who cares- you both Ubered there and your mom, your sister, and your best friend have all seen his profile picture and know where you are.
- Dinner and Board Games
You hate the idea of a dinner dates. What’s the point of going somewhere with delicious ass food if you’re going to be too self-conscious to eat it? You’re forced to make intense eye contact with this person you barely know while worrying about whether or not you have food in your teeth. No thank you. On your way out the door, you drop your travel size Connect Four, Uno, and Let’s Go Fishin’ into your big ass bag before making sure that you have your phone, keys, and pepper spray. He takes you to a sports bar which is perfect. Who needs fancy smancy people staring at you while you whoop your date’s ass in Connect Four? You don’t need that kind of judgement in your life. You already have your mother. You order potstickers for an appetizer and the moment the waiter leaves the table, you whip out Uno. He looks at you with a questioning expression as you begin shuffling the cards. This is it. Will he be down or offended? It’s sink or swim. He laughs and reaches for the deck to deal. Score! He’s a down ass bitch.
(Visit here for travel games to add to your collection and spice up any date!)
- Scavenger Hunt
At some point in the back and fourth text messaging, you discover that you both love people watching and scavenger hunts. Together, during a particularly slow day of work, you and he compile your list:
- White guy with dreads
- A man or woman with a haircut like Phil and Lil from Rugrats
- A trophy wife
- A trophy husband
- A woman who’s been wearing her heels for too long
- A woman who majored in gender studies
- A man who still lives with his parents
- A stressed out stay at home mom
- A person who lets their dog kiss them in the mouth
- A person who hasn’t discovered lotion
- A person who’s had work done
- A man who thinks catcalling is always welcomed
- A woman who’s an “Instagram model”
- A starving artist
He meets you at the mall and you grab a pretzel dog from Auntie Anne’s and a drink from Starbucks while debating the perfect vantage point. You both decide on a seat near the fountain and settle in, list in hand. He makes a statement about white people not getting ashy and you shoot him the side eye as you sip your venti vanilla latte. You consider asking him to lift his pant leg so you can cross one thing off the list.
(Or visit www.strayboots.com for scavenger hunts in your city!)
- Fucking Furniture Store.
DO IT! FOR MEEEEE! PLEASE!!!!!
OK, but in all seriousness- remember, when meeting someone new, it’s important to be safe. Check out apps like Glympse and read, Are You Ready?? Top 5 Things to Do Before You Go on a First Date written by Lakshmia Maria and Melba Pearson over at http://www.askthegal.com for some awesome tips.
Wanna make my day? Comment and tell me your date ideas or the best dates you’ve been on!
All Dressed Up and Nowhere to Go 